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A Max Flayman Special: R.A.C.E. To The Future

 
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battleman
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 8:48 pm    Post subject: A Max Flayman Special: R.A.C.E. To The Future Reply with quote

7 months before the return of the Xenites, something happened...

Prologue

Time: 2:00, August 14, 2500
Location: City Dome 1456, Hellion

In the dark, festering alien-infested toxicated city canal system, a young man, about his late thirties, was running through tunnels filled with radioactive sludge, dead bodies and simple rubble. He was in big trouble, accused by the P.O.L.I.C.E. (Populace Ordering Liasion In City Environments) of smuggling unauthorized weapons into the City. He had been on the run for about an hour or so since they raided his apartment block. He barely got away. By now, the P.O.L.I.C.E. have flushed him into the riverside, where the open space makes him an easy target due to his orange prison uniform that had been dirtied by the sewage. As he was passing down wooden, creaky stairs and into the rowboat, a noticable, and very familiar sound came to his ears. He looked behind him, and saw a large, flying machine that gave resemblance to a twin rotored helicopter, but was technorganic in appearance and nature as it flapped it's "wings" and shook it's "tail". It had an energy turret mounted on it's chin and was pointed at his frightened face. Too late...

Book 1: Future Apocalypse

Chapter 1: The Machine

That same day, 200 years and 4 hours earlier...

The hustle and bustle of a classified research facility never stops. In the metal, sign-filled hallways personnel walked two and fro from the magnetic rail systems without a single thought on anything except work. As trams moved along and the daily announcements running on the intercom, Peterson had been working with his colleagues on something so big that rumors had spread from one end of the facility to the other. In reailty the project was a time machine, and Peterson had invited a very special guest to see it- Maxwell Flayman. Ever since the Xenite attack, they had become close friends. Then, an announcement came from the space port personnel about the 9:00 arrivals, including Max. With no time to lose, he had to cut short his work, took his lab coat and tie and ran through the corridors straight for the trams. As he passed by the lobby, the security guard manning the computer told him that the trams were about to leave. As Peterson rushed through the door, the tram door was closing. Luckily, he made it as the door was an inch from closing. As he sat down, the bald man on the other seat chatted. "Late again, huh?", he asked. "Work is always in the way I guess.", he repiled. Then the tram stopped at the Space Port. Peterson got out of the tram and went to the vending machine for a candy bar. As soon as he entered the port, he could Max was sitting down, along with Gassy, who came along. "You're late.", said Max. "Sorry. Damn project has been keeping me on my toes." The tram passed by a cafteria, filled with overworked personnel. At the tables, people were chatting about Peterson's Project. "Everybody's talking about my project.", said Peterson. "I heard about it at the space port. Seems that everyone has their own opinion on it. I heard one guy say it was a machine that is designed for hybridizing. But the person he was talking to say it's a supersoldier project.", replied Max. Finally, the tram arrived at Peterson's work station. As they entered the lobby, the security guard reminded them that visitors are allowed until 5:00 P.M. As they entered the lab, the first thing Max and Gassy noticed is the machine, that had the shape of an arch but was ten feet tall. Attached to the sides were huge quartz crystals from Opalusa. An large computer was on the left, it's screen showing constant streams of information on the machine. Beside it was device with three screens showing the time. On the right was a chalkboard filled with equations that left Max boggled. Along with it were blueprints for the machine, memos and checklists. "How did you slap together this thing?", he asked. "About 40 percent of the device, especially the arch, was scavenged from old beamers. The rest we simply applied computers and gave some twinks and modifications. It uses a miniature fission reactor for power and uses the exotic material in quartz crystals to rip through the space-time continuum.", replied Peterson. "We had some test runs using objects like boxes, and used small creatures like rats and they seemed in good condition. But we haven't tested it on humans.", replied one of the scientists. "I'd give it a shot.", said Max. "Are you serious?", asked Peterson. "You don't know what side-effects might happen!". "You said that the other test subjects were fine!", he said. "I might be able to take measurements of his mass and density, fit it into the computer and restabilize the beaming matrix so we can take account of the limits while he is traveling through the space-time continuum.", said one of the scientists. "Alright then. Shall we?", said Max. One of the scientists pulled out a scanner and took measurements, which was sent directly to the computer. The scientist manning the computer typed up the data and loaded it into the machine's hard drive. The computer began an analysis, and finished in 5 seconds straight. "Alright Max, get onto the platform beneath the arch.", said Peterson, who was holding a switch with his right hand. Max stood on the platform, and was ready. Gassy had to stay behind. "We'll send you two hours into the future.", said Peterson. The scientists began stage 1: activating the beaming matrix. Blue lights began flashing from the outer sides of the arch, moving upward. As soon as the top pair lit up, they engaged phase 2: engaging the emitters. Several beams of light began to stream from the platform to the inner sides of the arch, making loud hums. "Engaging step three in five, four, three, two, one, zero." Peterson flipped the switch, but suddenly, sparks flew from the top of the arch. Max began to panic as weird lights were flashing before his eyes. He can clearly see Peterson holding back Gassy and can hear the scientists shouting to shut it down. But in a brilliant white flash, Max had vanished. Gassy stopped panicking, and Peterson let him down. "What happened?", he asked. "The beaming matrix overloaded during phase 3. And I have some even worse news. Apparently, the malfunction caused Max to travel not 2 hours, but 200 years!"

The first thing that Max after the time traveling noticed is that he was in a backroom, filled with boxes and crates. The walls and ceiling were decaying, and the floor was very dirty, as if no cleanup had ever cleaned there. One of the doors was on the top of some steps. Max tried to open it but it was locked, so he tried the other one. It wasn't locked and he stepped through, finding himself in an decaying alley, with rusty cans, old boxes and mangled trash bins. He walked to the street in front of him, and saw that he was in a city! Dumbfounded, he saw a tall tower, nearly featureless, dominating the sky. The top was covered by clouds, so he cannot figure how tall it was. Down at the plaza, he can see people dressed in orange prison uniforms, with gloomy faces filled with contempt and hopelessness. He walked to a bench with a person sitting down with a frown on his bearded face. He looked tired and upset and was probably in his early forties. As Max walked down the street he could see people looking at him in an awkward and mystified manner. "Excuse me, but what's going on here?", Max asked. "Are you crazy? Get out of that suit before any of them see you!, he said in a scared fashion. "Alright, jeez!", said Max. Behind him was an old supermarket, and a figure wearing a white gas mask and a black trench coat with a utility belt walked through the old doors. As he looked around, he quickly noticed Max. "Citizen!", he called out while pointing at Max. "The cop's talking to you!", the man on the bench said. "Me?", asked Max. "Yes,", replied the officer. "Come with me!", said the cop. Without question, Max followed the officer into the supermarket. Inside, people were waiting in line for something. He can see some leaving with thick bags. The officer lead him into a room at the right of the line. Inside the room was a blood-stained chair, some wall mounted cameras with lights on them and a bizarre-looking computer with hundreds of keys and three blue screens. The cop took the mask off, revealing a man at about his thirties, hasn't shaved and had a surprised look to his face. "Maxwell Flayman? Is it really you?", he asked. "Uh....yes.", Max replied. "How did you know?" "You have reached legendary status after you disappeared 200 years ago!" "Wait, did you just say 200 years ago?!"
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battleman
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 8:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 2- The Retelling of the Mutant Wars

In the 200 years between the accident and Max's return, the facility exploded, creating an interdimensional portal that brought several million asteroids carrying a mysterious, valuable and extremely dangerous substance known as Mutanium. As soon as one of the meteors hits a planet, the substance immediately xenoforms it, creating acres of dark green crystals full of valuable minerals. The problem was that Mutanium, as it's namesake, mutates all lifeforms exposed to it. But it's radioactivity wasn't a setback as all factions began an intergalactic war for it's control, including the Sha'Kahr. For the next 190 years, the war raged on as Mutanium was destroying the galaxy's biodiversity. One day, a giant Mutanium crystal, known as the Pure Shard, sprouted on Hellion, emitting massive radiation waves on a galactic scale. Subsequently, the portal unleashed an extradimensional force, known as R.A.C.E. or Radiation Attracted Conquering Extradimensionals. With an entire R.A.C.E. fleet pouring out of the portal, all other factions were overwhelmed with not only R.A.C.E.'s advanced technology but also their dependence on Mutanium, which allows them to use the hazardous substance in ways incomprehensible to scientists. For 1 year R.A.C.E. fought and won control over the galaxy. 9 years later, humans are still enslaved in a dystopian environment on an interstellar scale.

Max was so overwhelmed at hearing of such events he could do nothing but shake his head while sitting down on the blood-stained chair. "Listen Max, you've got to get to the secret Rebel lab hidden in the city. It's a couple of blocks away.", the man said as he took out a prison uniform and threw it to Max. As Max exited the supermarket he headed to the right. As he was about to turn the corner, he caught a glimpse of a biomechanical machine striding about on three long legs as it towered over him. It was a B.I.O.M.E.K.A, or Biologically Improved Organism and Mechanically Enhanced Killing Apparatus, and it vanished. An officer standing in front of a street cordon told him to get moving. Obviously security is pretty tight.


Last edited by battleman on Sun Apr 10, 2011 1:42 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 3- Meetings

"Hey Max!", shouted a guy. Max approached without question, and to his surprise was knocked out. He woke up in a strange place with hobo. "Sorry.", one of them said. Max asked, "Where the heck am I?" "Thats on a need to know basis. I'm Philo and we're the Green Prophets. We led you here to tell you that you must return to your own time immediately." "Like I haven't known.", replied Max. "This is more urgent! The fate of life in the Universe depends on you! The chance to save it was wasted 200 years ago. But now that you have been found, you must go back!" "Okay, okay. First thing is I need a time machine." "The Resistance can supply that. More information shall be divulged as the Rebellion proceeds." Then Max was knocked out again. He woke up in a playground. "I hope that was a dream."
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battleman
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 4- The Journey Begins

He heard a noise behind him, and there were cops! He ran into one of the apartments, but there were more banging on one of the doors down the hallway. He climbed up the stairs as fast as he can. When he reached the top, he ran through the attic and out the window. He landed on the roof of the building next to it. As he turned behind the chimney, it swung open and he fell in.

When he landed, he was greeted by a hologram. "Very surprising that you have found one of the secret entrances by coincidence. Statistically, the chances of finding one of them is-", he was cut short by the cop from the supermarket. "Shut your science yap Zune he's Max Flayman, remember? Max, Zune is a holo-human version of the half-brother of Peterson's third cousin twice removed." "Right." "Have a look around. And by the way, I'm Dan, but you can call me Sly." Max looked around the lab. It was very clear that this place wasn't old, possibly from clean-up. On his left were screens depicting security camera images, some of which were displaying the cops looking around. On his right was a bunch of computers and other futuristic gizmos. There was a large door in front of him, which by the looks of it, can only be opened by DNA scanner, a relic now but common 2 centuries ago.

"Okay guys,", he said, "Time for some serious business. How are you going to get me back to my own time." Zune replied, "Unfortunately the only time machine we know of is in progress in the High Disk Laboratory and Wildlands Base against R.A.C.E. deep in the Mutant Jungle. It's a long way there, about 30 miles from here. The only things between you and there are 5 miles of city, 15 miles of outskirts and 10 miles of jungle." "But we have a plan.", said Sly. "You must go to Dr. Impryn's lab in the outskirts. He has a working beamer that leads straight to High Disk so there's less trouble. Ours is still busted, after Zune threw my Genishkan Sabre-Claw Hatchet Wolf three weeks ago!" "Just one thing,", said Max. "How am I to cross 5 miles of city?" "Sly, this is the perfect opportunity to test my latest and greatest creation!" "You sure Zune?" "Absolutely! While you were in your shifts I was fine-tuning it and added some new mods and removed the jump thrusters." Zune led Max to the large door, and the holographic man inserted a small device into a plug on the scanner. The door faded and and Max saw a suit inside some sort of holding device. "Max, this is the Quasi-Exoskeletal Versatility Suit, or QEVS. It's essentially a survival kit that you can wear. It has a built-in flashlight, a holographic HUD interface displaying health systems, weapon and ammo counter and crosshair in the visor, molecular storage pack in the back, a imperative reaction system with informatives (the voice has a nice Cockney accent), damage absorption system, and energy for armour can be taken from multiple power sources including batteries, generators etc." "Cool."


Last edited by battleman on Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woo boy...

1) You still ave a great wall of text in your first post. My eyes can't scan so much text crammed into that space and it evoked tl:dr in most people.

2) The story itself makes no sense. Random jumps from place to person with no explanation whatsoever doesn't do anything for the reader

3) If there is security around a person, place or thing, don't point out the (expletive redacted) obvious!

4) Short chapters are good, but short chpters in which the plot doesn't evolve in any way, shape or form to the reader doesn't do much except confuse.

You have a great deal of potential, mate. Take some time to stop, think and plan out each stage of your story and write it in a way that doesn't completely freak the reader out

_LR
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