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The Prophecy of the Coming Primal Era

 
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battleman
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Joined: 02 Oct 2009
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 6:55 am    Post subject: The Prophecy of the Coming Primal Era Reply with quote

In an undisclosed location...

"In the beginning, the universe was lifeless and void. Until a massive wave of orgonic energy swept throughout the universe creating DNA and Life. And from this nourishing tide two species evolved: the Yin and Yang. At first, the Yin and Yang cooperated to survive, but at a certain time during their evolution, the Yang turned on the Yin, and it sparked an Evolutionary War. For countless eons the two races battled across the cosmos, continuing their evolution to counter each other. The Yang evolved into monstrous creatures preying on all life and bent on their destruction. We call them, the Legion. But on the other hand the Yin evolved to defend all life from the Legion by preserving their DNA so they may recreate them should they die out. These bold beings are known as the Predecessors. When the orgone waves dissipated, life in the universe began to decrease in diversity. Only the toughest species were able to survive, including the Legion. Others, like the Predecessors, died out as a result. Until now, all life forms we know are but merely a grain of sand on the sandbox of life. But we believe that the Predecessors still live on in host bodies until such a time they mature and transfer to their Avatars. The last known host was Julius Caesar, but the Predecessor was still immature and went into hiding after Caesar was killed. We, the Green Prophets, have found the newest host: Maxwell Flayman. After Caesar was killed, the Predecessor has been growing over the ages and will soon be mature inside of Flayman. Recently, the tide of orgonic energy has returned and the Predecessor's new Avatar will be revealed. But the Legion will try and stop this from happening. You, Philo, must find Max Flayman and bring him to the Avatar so that he can herald the Primal Era. Imagin all life that is now extinct alive again! Like the dinosaurs, the dodo bird, the splotched mafia lemur-cat! We wish you good luck, and take great care, for the Legion has evolved for so long, no one knows what they look like. And remember, the fate of the universe and all life in it, depends on what sleeps inside Max Flayman!"
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x34ds
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Joined: 04 Feb 2010
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:08 am    Post subject: Re: The Prophecy of the Coming Primal Era Reply with quote

battleman wrote:
In an undisclosed location...

"In the beginning, the universe was lifeless and void. Until a massive wave of orgonic energy swept throughout the universe creating DNA and Life. And from this nourishing tide two species evolved: the Yin and Yang. At first, the Yin and Yang cooperated to survive, but at a certain time during their evolution, the Yang turned on the Yin, and it sparked an Evolutionary War. For countless eons the two races battled across the cosmos, continuing their evolution to counter each other. The Yang evolved into monstrous creatures preying on all life and bent on their destruction. We call them, the Legion. But on the other hand the Yin evolved to defend all life from the Legion by preserving their DNA so they may recreate them should they die out. These bold beings are known as the Predecessors. When the orgone waves dissipated, life in the universe began to decrease in diversity. Only the toughest species were able to survive, including the Legion. Others, like the Predecessors, died out as a result. Until now, all life forms we know are but merely a grain of sand on the sandbox of life. But we believe that the Predecessors still live on in host bodies until such a time they mature and transfer to their Avatars. The last known host was Julius Caesar, but the Predecessor was still immature and went into hiding after Caesar was killed. We, the Green Prophets, have found the newest host: Maxwell Flayman. After Caesar was killed, the Predecessor has been growing over the ages and will soon be mature inside of Flayman. Recently, the tide of orgonic energy has returned and the Predecessor's new Avatar will be revealed. But the Legion will try and stop this from happening. You, Philo, must find Max Flayman and bring him to the Avatar so that he can herald the Primal Era. Imagin all life that is now extinct alive again! Like the dinosaurs, the dodo bird, the splotched mafia lemur-cat! We wish you good luck, and take great care, for the Legion has evolved for so long, no one knows what they look like. And remember, the fate of the universe and all life in it, depends on what sleeps inside Max Flayman!"



looking like you might have the beginning of an interesting story here. i have some suggestions for you, to make it easier to read.

first off, this is a large brick of text, very intimidating to read at once. i would suggest you break it up into some smaller paragraphs, like so:

Quote:

"In the beginning, the universe was lifeless and void. Until a massive wave of orgonic energy swept throughout the universe creating DNA and Life. And from this nourishing tide two species evolved: the Yin and Yang."

"At first, the Yin and Yang cooperated to survive, but at a certain time during their evolution, the Yang turned on the Yin, and it sparked an Evolutionary War. For countless eons the two races battled across the cosmos, continuing their evolution to counter each other.

The Yang evolved into monstrous creatures preying on all life and bent on their destruction. We call them, the Legion. But on the other hand the Yin evolved to defend all life from the Legion by preserving their DNA so they may recreate them should they die out. These bold beings are known as the Predecessors.


also, i would suggest having somebody edit for grammar and punctuation. there were a few errors here, none of which overly important but some of them interrupt the flow and take your focus away from this story.

However, an interesting beginning, good luck continuing your story Wink
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battleman
Simple


Joined: 02 Oct 2009
Posts: 30

PostPosted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is just a sub plot sneak peek
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